Link to my  process of grief site.
a part of the  Men Opening Hearts to Jesus Ministry Site.

Grieving Sons

 

 

Detraumatisation Homepage
where we consider the processes and aspects of detraumatisaton.

 

 

     The Scriptures are clear
that the church ought to care for widows and the Fatherless.

     In the Old Testament there was a duty for a man to care for his
deceased brother's widow and children.  The book of Ruth is an account of a nearest relative who cared and who married Ruth and their offspring was an ancestor of King David.

     Sadly many don't know how to.
Few understand the process of grief

      It is hoped that these pages will not only be a ministry to those in grief but that it will inform and empower those who care
but don't know what to say or do. By understanding that grief is a process with many stages we can be more caring to grieving friends and relatives.
     Basically its about being there, maintaining the relationship
and patiently sitting with our friends through outward normally
until we hear a cry for help, a question and we are there to be supportive. Sometimes there is a sudden realisation. To be reassuring
and supportive to the next stage of grief.

     

 

Introduction - the need.

 

 

     From time to time I meet men of a range of ages who  have endured the grief from the death of their father or brother.
A sense of lostness from being fatherless since his father died when he was a boy.
My own great uncle's father died when he was only 11 years of age.

I write this because I care
because I want to reach out with compassion and prayer and support.

 I mentioned two observations:

1. That there is some  common factor between men in long term grief and men who survived child sexual abuse (csa) and men who

               survived physical or emotional abuse in Childhood.
              I concluded it is unresolved trauma .  My friend had unresolved grief.

2. I was sitting with another friend who's father died in his childhood.  I asked myself - why is it that some of us are locked into
long term grief or "back there" when csa occurred.
He said  "lack of support at the time."
Neglect. Abondonment.  Denial of csa.
 being told to "deal with it" or "snap out of it"
denied us the opportunity to commence our journey of grieving or recovery.
        I met another young man who cried "no one cares"  He had to leave before he told me the reason for his sense of abondonment.
that he mentioned his  father cared  and was silent  about his mother
made me wonder if his mother had died or left my friend and his dad.
 In any case we need to care for the motherless as well.
I have met young men whoes mother died when they were boys or teenagers.

The Process
Grieving takes time.
Sadly we live in a society where funerals are sanitised
many rightly celebrate a live
believers acknowledge that our loved one  has a home in heaven
   the assurance of faith in Christ

but What about our loss?
what about our feelings?

My aim is to help you to recover your process of grief

to recognise that grief is a process
         initial feelings may include : denial, anger, numbness

crying in a safe place,
 or with supportive, comforting friends or relatives is natural.

When my Aunt died she asked me not to cry
ok the dignity of the Funeral Service I conducted required
      that I maintain my composure.
but then I needed to cry.

"It's my aunt's funeral and I'll cry if I want to"
      (yes borrowed from the pop hit "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to..")
I was very close to my aunt. closer than to her sister, my birth mother. It was very much like loosing my mother

After Christmas I thought - "I'm missing my aunt"
in fact sometimes I miss my Grandmother who died 30 years ago in her late eighties. It's legitimate to miss our loved ones,

  especially those whos support and encouragement was invaluable.

I gather all that they imparted to me.
their values
their faith
their encouragement

these things live on through us
and we have the responsability to pass them onto the next generation.

We need to be comforted by those who care.

When we are alone - to turn to God Himself to comfort us.
       May I suggest Psalm 23
       consider each line carefully
       invite Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd to lead us,
               to comfort us through our grieving
               and our adjustments.

then I would encourage each reader to  move on
after a time of mourning

some "get stuck"  Ask Why?  were or onto what thought or idea
   am I stuck?
ask - how can I be unlocked, released, set free?

pray - asking God to set you free.
Jesus said that if we continue in His word
we would know the truth and the truth will set use free.

being released is a process to work through.

being told "you are stuck"  or "come back to the present"
might be needed
but we need to want to be released

and we need to know how to be released.

I am fortunate to have some very supportive relatives and friends
I know some feel abondoned.

I am writing this because I care.

I am concerned that I'm stopping abruptly
please be assurred that I am prayerfully adding further material regularly

I did a Google search on grief - feel free to do your own
to see if any articles are helpful.

I am not recomending sites I don't know who wrote them
or their philosophy
but I noticed that
Recover From Grief
When I scrolled down  listed 7 stages of Grief.

others have written similar pages  

Spring 2012 update -   I have been researching my ancestors and have noticed the previlance of early deaths during the 1800's. 

  As I collate the lives of my ancestors and the deaths  in mid life
I see compounded grief.  a mother died, the father died, an uncle died and at least one brother died
   
Now I can see why I understand grieving sons.

Grieving is very important.

Buring the dead with dignity and paying respects is important.

   Over time I hope to address these and other issues.


   I would encourage readers to find comfort in the scriptures.

    Jesus said He would send the comforter. 



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